I"m getting ready for bed and my mind is wandering. I"m pondering life and all the major life altering decision I have ahead of me in the near future. I think the biggest one lingering above me is the whole marriage/Andrew situation. I think I've made my decision...now all I have to do is take the proper steps to put the plan in motion. Since I've been here in AR, I've done a lot of soul searching. I've had a lot of time to sit down and do nothing but think, and I honestly believe that it has done me some good. I haven't been able to simply relax and focus on myself in who knows how long and I think when I did have that opportunity before I made some pretty harmful decisions. Now it's time to be able to do that again and actually be mature about the situation. I don't like being married. I don't want to work on things, in reality I don't believe that there is anything to really work out. I don't really love Andrew. I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I don't have the passion to make things work and if it's always going to be this hard...I might as well give up now because I know that it is only a matter of time. I don't think it's fair to him to let him think that I'll be giving of myself fully, because I won't be and I don't think I truly ever have. I have changed as a person, gradually over the past few years. I've been molded into someone new and different, someone I am beginning to like more and more. Someone who is strong willed and who knows how to take care of themself and is ok with the reality that it may be that way for a long time. Ever since Ron died I have been slowly learning that the only person who you can always rely on and count on 100% is yourself. I think it's a lie to believe anything else. I think he knew what he was doing and I'm slowly beginning to realize that he was teaching me to be my own person and do things for myself because he knew that in the end, that is what would make me happy. I'm beginning to wonder if he didn't know me better than anyone else!
The second decision I have lingering above me is the whole graduate school thing. I know it's the appropriate next step and I am beginning to believe that this field is what I was intended to do. But I'm just nervous about taking that next step and devoting myself to another 18 months of school. Hardcore, intense online courses that require me to be responsible and dedicated to making the best of the program. I know that I have it in me....I just need to put it into action. I'm just praying that I can get into the program because I need to get accepted 100% without any conditional acceptance or any other BS. I need financial aid to be readily available and I need to know that there is going to be a job out there for me once I graduate. I just have to make a decision of whether or not I"m ready and willing to give myself fully to this program and take that next step.
My last and final big decision is my living situation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy living with Justin and Kristy. They have been nothing but gracious and welcoming to me, but I don't know that I want to live with them for a long period of time. Right now my whole future is dependent on whether or not Justin gets a good job once he seperates. If he does get a good job, there is a possibility that they could be moving back to OH in December. At that point, I would have no choice but to give up my job here and move with them. I don't know that I would have the resources to get my own place here and manage to get everything else paid. Maybe I would, but I don't know for sure. However, if Justin doesn't get a good job, then Kristy will stay here at least until the end of the school year which would give me the opportunity to save up some money and potentially get my own place and stay here. Right now, I think that might be the best option for me. I"m not 100% sure, but I think I may like to stay here for a while at least. At least until I finish my graduate program and get a full time job somewhere. This place isn't really all that bad. I'm enjoying myself and I think there is a potential for me to really grow here.
I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but I know that in time I will make the best decisions for me. I'm really starting to listen to myself and allow my opinions and feelings to overrule those of anyone else. Putting yourself first for a change really does pay off!!!