Men are Frustrating.

Oh, back to the good ole blog again. I was driving in to work this morning, trying to avoid thinking about other subjects, and my mind briefly fluttered over this. I thought maybe this is where I need to put out all my thoughts and feelings with the situation at hand. I'm worried already that the small handful of friends that I do have are already burnt out on listening to my whining and complaining about the shit fest that has become my love life. They all keep telling me that I need to close the door and move on. Reading my last few entries, I'm realizing I have this sick pattern! I am feeling the EXACT same way about D that I was feeling about Marcus shortly after Maddox was born. The crazy thing is that I KNOW I deserve more, I know I can do better. I don't want more and I don't want better. I want him and I want him to want me. I'm tired of the games and back and forth. I don't understand why guys think they need to lie to women to get what they want. Be honest. Even if it hurts, I would rather know the truth than think something completely off base. When you're given the out, and you want it...TAKE THE OUT! It really isn't rocket science. Not only that, if you don't take the out, expect a girl to think that you ARE interested in sticking around with her and don't call her crazy when she acts accordingly. MEN...be honest with WOMEN, set proper expectations. Believe it or not, sometimes women are alright with a friends with benefits situation. Especially one with as many potential complications as this one. Get real!

Baby Boy

Today was one of those days that first time parents DREAD. I had to take Maddox to get his 2 month immunizations. He did really well as we waited and waited and waited. We sat waiting for an hour, and I was getting extremely nervous because it's was nearly time for him to eat and I hadn't brought a bottle. Bad planning on my part, but I didn't think we would be there that long...after all, I did make an appointment. So when they called me back I had to get a shot first because it's been shown in the past few years that teens and young adults have been getting pertussis (whooping cough) and passing it on to babies. So I got a shot for Diphtheria, Tetanus, and Pertussis. Baby boy was up next and he had to drink one vaccine, and then get 3 shots. 2 in one leg and 1 in the other. He screamed each time and would settle down in between to suck on my finger and then start screaming again. Poor baby....breaks a mothers heart! Because we had such a rough day, I treated myself to Chipotle and went to Kohl's and bought him 2 outfits and a onesie. When we got home, I laid him in his crib and he put himself to sleep and proceeded to sleep for 6 hours 4 hours.

On another note, i posted a note on facebook last night describing the situation with Marcus. He text me bright and early this morning to tell me that he read it. He also had a few things to discuss with me and proceeded to question me about how i expect him to be involved, what i expect of him, and so on and so forth. I told him straight out that it's hard for me to see him doing all this stuff and living his life when he claims he has no money and can't afford to come here. We text back and forth for nearly an hour and I think maybe just maybe we came to some sort of a conclusion. Maybe not, I don't know. Maybe things will change when we go down there. Maybe he'll see HOW amazing Maddox is and try harder. Only time will tell.

Who Am I?

I'm not even sure who I am any longer. I look at myself and wonder when I became this woman. When did i start telling myself that this feeling of drowning was something to keep to myself. i think the truth is that if i keep it to myself then i dont have to let anyone help me. and when i eventually make it through this battle of motherhood, and have raised a completely wonderful, competent son...i can tell people i did it on my own.

this has been a constant struggle and battle for me. this feeling that i should be super woman. that i should be able to take care of everything and make everything all right. i jump the moment i learn that one of my friends is having a bad day or doesnt feel well. I want so badly to help everyone work though everything. but when someone asks me if i need anything, i am the last to say anything. i want to do it myself. i hate asking for help. i hate being a burden.

when did i become this person so afraid to ask for help? this person that is afraid to break down?when did i become this person that wants to come off like she has it together?

I feel like all the pressure in my life has formed me into someone else. I have never responded well to pressure and every aspect of my life for the last 10 months has been pressured. pressure to have an abortion, pressure to put my kid up for adotpion, pressure to move home, pressure to make sure i do EVERYTHING right in my present situation, pressure to be neat and tidy, pressure to leave this house and move somwhere else...indiana, michigan, pressure to put marcus past me, pressure to sue for child support, and the list goes on. The only thing pressure has done to me, is to turn me into a clam. Eventually my timer will go off and everything inside will have turned to mush.

Nothing you can't handle...

You know that saying "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle"? I often wonder if that is true! I am constantly doubting and wondering if maybe, just maybe this one time he slipped up and gave me something that was a little bit over my head! I hate saying that, but I am so doubtful of being a mom, let alone one doing it all on her own. I've been thinking a lot lately about the situation that Maddox and I are in. I have a lot of decisions to make regarding our future and I'm standing at a cross roads.

I have so much love in my heart for this little boy, I'm not sure he'll ever realize! But truthfully, it hasn't always been that way. I think back to the days when I first found out I was pregnant with Maddox. I was horrified and scared, couldn’t imagine myself with a baby. I didn’t WANT a baby. I didn’t want to be a single mother. I didn’t want to be connected to Daddy for the rest of my life. My life was great the way it was! I would close my eyes and secretly wish that life would restart and I would wake up not pregnant. I would wake up and no longer have a baby. That I could just have my old life back.
 Now I can’t imagine my life without him and I don’t want a life without him! He makes me smile. He makes me excited for my future. I thank God every single day that I have him. I have finally found what it feels like to know true love!

But I find myself wondering is all this love enough? Can one person provide enough love or two? Everything would be a lot easier for me right now if I wasn't developing feelings of resentment. I hate wondering how I'm going to manage the rest of my life being connected to this man who promised me things he could never follow through on? How am I ever gonna stand the feeling of breaking my child’s heart when he asks me “Where is my daddy?” and I have to explain to him that his daddy does not want him? I suffered through my pregnancy alone but am I going to be capable of doing it alone for the rest of my life??? Can I handle being a single mother giving up my free life, while his ass gets off scotch free? It’s not fair. But like I've heard before, "the only fare I know is what you pay to ride the bus".

I know, deep down inside God's got our back on this one. But having some help would be nice too!

Life as a new mom

My first two months as a mom have been such a blur. It is such a huge change and it’s kinda like a whirlwind that I’ve been blindly tossed into over night. Some things about motherhood have so far been expected, but I kind of have had to realize how severe they are, especially being a single mother. While so far motherhood is something I enjoy it’s also something that is taking some getting used to!!! This is what I've learned so far:

- I have VERY little time to myself. Everything I do revolves around my son and his needs, including using the restroom. I better get lucky and coincidentally go when he is sleeping or else I'm gonna have to hold it. Taking a shower and brushing my teeth? Forget about it. I have to find the time for these things.

- When I’m hungry the baby comes first. Again I can’t eat unless he is sleeping or is completely satisfied that he’ll quietly sit in his papasan seat or my lap while I quickly stuff my face! Enjoying food is kinda out of the question these days.

- As far as sleeping goes I get in where I can fit it in. If I’m tired with nothing to do at the time I’ll nap while he naps. If I’m sleeping good and my baby wakes up I just can’t tune him out like I would everything else. I must drag my sleepy ass out of bed and tend to his needs no matter how hard it is! Which, for a sleep lover like me who has been deprived the last 5 months or so, is very hard!

- Changing the diapers of a fussy, squirming baby is actually very hard to do! So is bathing and dressing one! My son absolutely hates being naked for any reason.

- Being puked on, peed on, drooled on, sneezed on, farted on and pooped on by another human being no longer disgusts me. In fact I typically smell like a mixture of these things + baby products and it doesn’t even phase me. Although it’s not ideal, I’ve learned to be OK with it lol.

- I have found that my physical appearance matters less and less every day. I can wear the same clothes for days, and only change when I have been puked on so many times the smell is starting to give me a headache! Gross, I know...but oh so true! A week or so ago, I kept smelling toothpaste and baby puke and it was then that i realized I had toothpaste in my hair on one side and throw up on the other!!! That was the first day I felt like a mom!

Despite how all of this seems my son is a good baby and only cries when he really needs something like a change or a feeding or if he just wants me. I have an attached little boy who seems to love his mommy very much right away. Sometimes he just wants his momma and I just want him. And the feeling I get when I look at his pretty face, witness how much he settles down when I scoop him in my arms or the feeling of him tightly wrapping his tiny arms and hands around my neck when I’m putting him to sleep makes all of this “inconvenience” more than OK!!

Feelings on Baby Daddy.

It never fails. He’s in and out of my life, making me promises .. promises I hardly believe, yet I always have hope. Somehow my mind seems to always erase the bad and try to dig for the good. Somehow I continue to love him in a morbidly masochistic kind of way. I’m not in love with him, but I love him .. he gave me the best gift in the world, how could I not?

I've quietly hoped if I didn’t egg him on he would calm down and realize that I’m a great girl, a keeper, worth having. I hoped we could try to make our obviously doomed “relationship” work. I felt like I had no other choice because I was so scared and couldn’t imagine being a single mother. I didn’t want to be, I didn’t wish that on myself or my child.

Secretly in my mind I’m jealous of his wife. Past the initial weeks of our relationship he never did value me or love me like he lead me to believe he would, but I wish he did.

I wish the world were perfect and that he would come around and shape up dramatically. I wish he would want me again, like he obsessively wanted me when he first met me.

I dream of us being a family. I think of us making more perfect babies .. because dammit if we don’t make great babies together.

I dream of Maddox excited to see him, giving him big hugs and saying “I love you, Daddy!” and I dream of him being touched and saying “I love you too, son” and actually meaning it. I dream of them having this great, loving father/son relationship. I dream of him being so proud of his son and wanting to be there for him every step of the way.

It’s so hard to gather up the strength .. the strength to heal, the strength to move on, the strength to forget. I feel so vulnerable and stupid. I don’t know how to handle being in this position. I just wanna break down.

I've decided that the last thing I need is to allow myself to feel like this way any longer. To be pissed, to be hurt, to be resentful, to be despondent. It seems to be a full circle that never ends because I allow things to be that way. Though I keep telling myself that I want a new life, a fresh start I have yet to walk the walk. I’ve realized that now it’s time.

Today...

So I was laying in bed this morning thinking about how I used to blog all the time and how I rarely ever do it any more! I don't even journal like I used to. I guess maybe it's because I don't have much going on in my life that I care to share with people, not that anyone reads this anyway. I think in the last 7 months or so, I've just been in a season of rest and recuperation. My life has been slow and boring and I have enjoyed it that way. However, now I'm feeling a bit of cabin fever and I believe that I am ready to move on and grow.

Our move is right around the corner and will be here before I know it. Kristy's last day of teaching is June 3rd and we will be leaving sometime the following weekend. Part of me excited, but part of me is not looking forward to it. I really do not want to be stuck in Ohio. When I moved to Arkansas, I looked forward to getting away from Michigan and the lifestyle there. I don't like it and I don't look forward to getting back that way. There has been some talk of possibly relocating to Florida, but right now that is up in the air and I have this gut feeling that there will be no follow through! I would LOVE it if we moved to Florida! It would make the transition out on my own so much easier. I guess we'll see....the next few months should reveal a lot! I just keep hoping that Kristy will get a job in Florida and thats where we will end up! I am going to miss some of the people here. As crazy and weird as this may sound, I've actually grown quite close to the ladies at work. I spend all my time with them, so I guess it's hard to believe that I wouldn't have.

On another note, I kind of met someone. Nothing real serious, but I guess it has potential! Right now it's real casual...just phone conversations but I guess we will see where it goes. It may not go anywhere...but then there is the other aspect of it too. I guess I just like the idea of waiting it out and seeing how things go. The whole idea of getting back into the dating scene is a little frightening to me. It's all exciting in the right light....but until I'm in that light...I'm going to be SUPER reserved! But I AM looking forward to the future!

Anyway, it's storming here today....which makes me want to stay in bed all day! Maybe I'll get out and go shopping or something. I probably wont...I'll probably stay in and sleep...which doesn't bother me..Anywho...I'm off to enjoy the day! Have a good Easter!

Peace!