Wandering thoughts...

I"m getting ready for bed and my mind is wandering. I"m pondering life and all the major life altering decision I have ahead of me in the near future. I think the biggest one lingering above me is the whole marriage/Andrew situation. I think I've made my decision...now all I have to do is take the proper steps to put the plan in motion. Since I've been here in AR, I've done a lot of soul searching. I've had a lot of time to sit down and do nothing but think, and I honestly believe that it has done me some good. I haven't been able to simply relax and focus on myself in who knows how long and I think when I did have that opportunity before I made some pretty harmful decisions. Now it's time to be able to do that again and actually be mature about the situation. I don't like being married. I don't want to work on things, in reality I don't believe that there is anything to really work out. I don't really love Andrew. I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I don't have the passion to make things work and if it's always going to be this hard...I might as well give up now because I know that it is only a matter of time. I don't think it's fair to him to let him think that I'll be giving of myself fully, because I won't be and I don't think I truly ever have. I have changed as a person, gradually over the past few years. I've been molded into someone new and different, someone I am beginning to like more and more. Someone who is strong willed and who knows how to take care of themself and is ok with the reality that it may be that way for a long time. Ever since Ron died I have been slowly learning that the only person who you can always rely on and count on 100% is yourself. I think it's a lie to believe anything else. I think he knew what he was doing and I'm slowly beginning to realize that he was teaching me to be my own person and do things for myself because he knew that in the end, that is what would make me happy. I'm beginning to wonder if he didn't know me better than anyone else!

The second decision I have lingering above me is the whole graduate school thing. I know it's the appropriate next step and I am beginning to believe that this field is what I was intended to do. But I'm just nervous about taking that next step and devoting myself to another 18 months of school. Hardcore, intense online courses that require me to be responsible and dedicated to making the best of the program. I know that I have it in me....I just need to put it into action. I'm just praying that I can get into the program because I need to get accepted 100% without any conditional acceptance or any other BS. I need financial aid to be readily available and I need to know that there is going to be a job out there for me once I graduate. I just have to make a decision of whether or not I"m ready and willing to give myself fully to this program and take that next step.

My last and final big decision is my living situation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy living with Justin and Kristy. They have been nothing but gracious and welcoming to me, but I don't know that I want to live with them for a long period of time. Right now my whole future is dependent on whether or not Justin gets a good job once he seperates. If he does get a good job, there is a possibility that they could be moving back to OH in December. At that point, I would have no choice but to give up my job here and move with them. I don't know that I would have the resources to get my own place here and manage to get everything else paid. Maybe I would, but I don't know for sure. However, if Justin doesn't get a good job, then Kristy will stay here at least until the end of the school year which would give me the opportunity to save up some money and potentially get my own place and stay here. Right now, I think that might be the best option for me. I"m not 100% sure, but I think I may like to stay here for a while at least. At least until I finish my graduate program and get a full time job somewhere. This place isn't really all that bad. I'm enjoying myself and I think there is a potential for me to really grow here.

I'm not exactly sure what the future holds, but I know that in time I will make the best decisions for me. I'm really starting to listen to myself and allow my opinions and feelings to overrule those of anyone else. Putting yourself first for a change really does pay off!!!

Life's Subtlety's

I've come to enjoy the quiet charm and appeal this place has. For instance, tonight, as I lay here in bed, I haven't heard one train and part of me thinks that is the reason I can not fall asleep. The multiple trains that zoom down their tracks, to places that are unknown to me, have become part of my nightly bed time routine. I lay here and the sound of their blaring horns are the sounds that lull me off to where my dreams take over. The sound of the trains mixed with the sound of the low flying C-130's and other various planes are part of the charm of this place. It's dawning on me that I don't want to leave. I"m just getting to know the charms and quirks of a place that strangely enough reminds me of home. Not home as in I want to be back there and this will do until I can return. But home as in, it's a safe enough reminder but new enough to allow me to move on. The ever possible reality that I may have to load my things into a moving truck in a few short months looms overhead and has me scared and wanting to find a place to stake my claim to. I've only just begun to fall in love with what this place has to offer, I'm not sure that I'm ready to pack up and move somewhere new. Oddly enough I feel like a real part of a military family and I don't know how people can move around like the military lifestyle requires of families.

I got a job today. It's working the front desk at a busy OB/GYN office. I'm excited but slightly scared too. I want to work and be productive but the idea that I may have to move in December has me nervous to take up any permanent roots, including getting settled into a job. I've realized that I don't want to move back to Michigan. But does that mean I should stay here, in Arkansas and live my life, or should I follow Justin and Kristy and start a new life where they do? I want to start my OWN life...but do I want to do it all alone, with no family or friends to fall back on? Am I ready for that step in life? I think slowly but surely I am being molded for that point in my life to come. I'm ready to start over fresh and new and ready for what the next phase of life is going to bring...whatever it may be.

Quarter-life crisis.

I've started a few new posts and haven't felt any sense of urgency to finish them. Tonight is a different story. I feel the need to put my thoughts down in writing. I have been in Arkansas for one full week. Today was the official marking of one full week away from Michigan. Surprisingly, I feel that I am adjusting rather well. Although the people here are slightly different and little but more back-woods than I had imagined, they really aren't THAT much different than the people I am used to in St. Charles. Nothing else really seems that different than home. The weather hasn't been to much worse than home and surprisingly I am adjusting to that rather nicely. I've already noticed changes in my attitude and I feel like there has been a sense of relief coming with this move. I feel more ambitious and less down in the dumps all the time. And really my only complaint at the time being is that I need to find something to do during the day until I can find a job to fill up my extra time. I'm getting a little antsy without a job, but I know that in time I'll find one that I absolutely love. I honestly truly believe that at this point in my life, this was the perfect step I needed to take. Everything is going to work out for the best and I am coming to terms with whatever that means exactly. My life is going to start looking up and everything is going to fall perfectly into place, that I am perfectly sure of!

I've scoped out a few churches here. So I think in the next few weeks I'm going to check them out and see what all they have to offer. The only complaint on that subject is that most of the churches here are Baptist or Methodist or something of that sort. Not that those are bad churches, but I have a feeling that they wouldn't be quite what I was looking for. I guess I don't know for sure unless I check them out.

wanderer

For the last few days I have been shacking up in Ohio with my sister-in-law and her dad. I always enjoy my time spent at this place, for it's not the first time I've made myself a house guest. Although I enjoy myself and have a good time, I can't help but look forward to whats going to happen next. I forget to live in the moment and enjoy the circumstances at hand, instead I push them to happen faster than they normally would and then feel like I'm missing out on life. It's my own fault, but as much as I try, I can't seem to change.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm a restless soul. I don't like being in one place for too long because then I feel comfortable and get lazy. I don't like the idea of being "comfortable" in a relationship because it leads to boredom and then your attention gets drawn away by other things. It's not fair to let another person believe that you can give them all of your attention, thoughts, hopes, dreams...when in reality you're not sure you can ever give them up to one individual person. I want to be free to roam and come and go as I please without having to really answer to anybody in particular. I like the idea of being my own person and not having to worry about anyone but myself. Most of the time, I have a hard enough trying to do that....worrying about myself.

I want to travel. I want to see things and go places and if I'm with someone, they need to want to do the same things. One day, I will see the world, and I will enjoy every bit of it, with or without someone. I need to be happy again and I need to stop filling my life with empty things, things that temporarily fill the void, until something else new and exciting comes around. I'm excited for what my next few months hold in store for me. New beginnings and a fresh start at the life I thought was ready to begin 2 years ago. Bring on what may happen and I'm ready to role with the punches.

greener grass.

how come the grass is always greener on the other side?

when you're living exactly where you've wanted to be for the last ten years... suddenly home sounds amazing and you forget everything you hated.

when you are single you want to be in a relationship... and as soon as the relationship comes you covet the freedom of being single.

when you hair is long you are dying to cut if off... and as soon as you do the growing out process begins again.

And for some reason everyones lives seem to be going perfect at the exact time when nothing could be worse in yours....

But I've learned that instead of questioning and always looking to whats next.... go with the flow and learn to appreciate what you have. There's a reason for everything.... and a time for everything... a season to every moment of your life.
So stop and learn to love what you have... cause you won't have it forever.
You aren't going to miss out on anything.

Finding the Lines

I need time to see all my options
I need time to tear down my walls
All this doubt is leaving me reckless
And for once I don't have control
If I walk away it's forever
If I stick around it's my fault
Finding the lines is confusing at time
And I'm wondering why I'm still alone.

Maybe this time in the winter
Is getting me ready for Spring
At no time of day is 2 hours away
A distance that shatters my dreams

Drastic Changes...

So life is never certain, i think that is the one thing I have learned in the past few years. Things that we thought would always be...change and are no more. People you thought you would always have leave and can never be replaced. This is the time every year when I get very nostalgic and look back on the way life used to be. Back when I was naive and thought nothing would ever be difficult. I had on these rose colored glasses and everything seemed to be the way I wanted. I always imagined that all my hopes and dreams would come to be without a second thought, my life would be simple, I would have a great marriage and live happily ever after. What a story I was telling myself. Recently, those rose colored glasses have faded to a nasty shade of grey. As hard as I've tried, none of those things have come to pass. My hopes and dreams get shattered with every new step I take and my marriage is in shambles, and not once, EVER, has my life been simple. In fact, it has almost always consistently been a let down or a failure, in some way shape or form.

I'm changing that. Andrew is moving into Saginaw, and I, well I am moving in another direction. I'm moving South. For a little while, I've decided that I'm going to move to Arkansas to live with my brother and sister-in-law and try and figure some things out. I need to sort through some things, mainly thoughts, emotions, feelings, and figure out where my life is going and who is going to remain a part of it. Arkansas may seem a little extreme for "sorting things out" when in reality, I could do that just about any other place around here, but there are people and situations that I need to remove myself from and be able to think clearly without having any temptations in my way to sway my decision one way or another. I know that if I were to stay in Michigan, people and certain advantages could quite possibly tempt me to do things that would make this relationship otherwise irreconcilable. Some things are just to easily taken advantage of, and I know my will power isn't always the strongest.

I'm not sure how long I'll be there, but I do know that it will be long enough for me to find a job and start some roots. Although they may not be too deep, there will be some sort of rooting taking place. This isn't going to be an easy fix, and I want to know that I'm making the best decision possible for the parties involved. So....wish me luck on this new endeavor and that I may find some peace of mind while making life better.

Seasons change...

Well we all know, simply from the fact that we live in Michigan, that seasons change....literally. But figuratively too....they change. I had a conversation today with my best friend...which isn't really unordinary but it made me realize some things. What we are going through right now may not be something we enjoy, but it's something that is necessary. Spring cleaning of sorts, I guess. We all get to the point where we are somewhere between sheer anger and being on the verge of tears. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. Lots of mixed emotions...not sure how to handle them properly. At one moment you want to lash out at everyone and everything, sometimes at the wrong person, simply because they said something you didn't like. We all do it, hopefully that unfortunate person that gets the brunt of the lashing understand and can forgive you for that.

Here is my thought provoking question! Should we be resistant to change because we're afraid of forgetting the memories we've made? Some might think so, but I think not. We don't want to lose the memories, but we don't want to be stuck in the same place forever...that would get old, very quickly. At least for me, I like things to be new and exciting. As much as change sucks, it's all a part of the growing process. Sometimes we have to move on and make new memories. It's all just a stepping stone in life. But nobody is saying that we need to forget the old memories. Unfortunately, I think the majority of our fears, anxiety, and uncertainties stem sheerly from this stage of life. I personally have never been more afraid of what the future holds, until this year. At this age, we're at the verge of still being "young adults" and becoming "real adults." We have a college education and it's almost like, with that comes this generic expectation of having to go out and make something of yourself. What if I'm not ready for that??? I feel like I'm being forced to do something I don't want to be doing. It's like mother bird is pushing us out of the nest we've loved for so long. The warm loving environment we've always known has suddenly become this cold, scary reality that is nothing like we have ever dreamed of.

What do you do when you see people making the same mistakes you did. Do you have a responsibility to tell them what is going to happen...or do you let them figure it out for themselves? That is something I've always struggled with. To speak up...or to remain silent, which is the better route to take? I don't know....I don't have all the answers. I don't even have a slight portion of them. I'm not sure I'd want them all, seems like it may be a heavy burden to bear. I have a large enough load as it is. Anyway, with that, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes, from one of my favorite TV shows....

"Change, we don't like it, we fear it...but we can't stop it from comin, we either adapt to change or we get left behind, it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't, is lying, but here is the truth, sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same and sometimes change is good."

Life...is it what you expected???

Haha...this is for old times sake. I haven't blogged here in forever, but I thought now was a better time than any.

I have found that my life's path has taken a funny little curve. It's not necessarily the wrong direction but just a path off the beaten trail that may end up going around the pond instead of over the bridge. I know I'll eventually arrive at my final destination, I'm just not sure what shape I'll be in upon arrival. My life is nothing like I thought it would be, and I think I'm starting to realize I need a fresh beginning. What happens when all you've ever known comes to an end and you are faced with this life altering decision....do I stay or do I go? Who ever made being a grown up sound like so much fun, was way wrong.....WAY WAY wrong. I'm scared shitless of what my future holds....and as much as I don't want to get ahead of myself in certain aspects, I'm not even sure the picture is the same as it was even one short year ago. I had this perfect painting mapped out in my head of what life would look like from here on out, and it's like the art teacher came by and said "why don't we trying adding this here and doing that there" and voila.....it's COMPLETELY changed. Not bad...just different....way different. Where has that freedom of doing what we want and being people we actually enjoy gone? If this is what being a college graduate/adult is all about, I understand why Van Wilder stayed for as long as he did. I'm pretty sure I'd like to stay too.

As cliche sounding as I hate to be...and use other people's thoughts for my own, I find that who ever wrote this little blurb on the "quarter life crisis" is probably the smartest, most enlightened person in the world. I have never agreed more with the thought that I can be insecure at one moment and then completely secure in the next. I have never been so indecisive and had just a hard time making decisions for MYSELF...ever... I do laugh and cry with the greatest intensity of my life. There are days when I can be completely soaring and ecstatic about something...the very next day I can be on the verge of tears and one simple truth can crumble my spirit. Today in fact was one of those days. Someone states a simple truth, something you KNOW full well you've been doing, and you act as though you've been kicked in the stomach. Maybe it's because you wish that people didn't see you for what you really were....maybe just maybe these false pretenses are something you can cling to. If you're like me, you feel alone and scared and confused. Change quickly becomes the enemy and you try with everything you have to cling to the past. You hang on for dear life but quickly realize that the past is drifting further and further away...and there isn't a darn thing you can do but stay where you are or choose to move forward. Either decision you make, you have to allocate the resources to your advantage and make it work.

For many people my age, the questions never seem to cease. Did I choose the right major, once I graduate will I find a job, did I marry too young, do i want children, what am I looking for in a spouse, am I high maintenance...the list goes on and on I'm sure. We all go through the same emotions and questions over and over, hoping for a different answer. We talk with our friends about the same topics because we hope they will tell us something we haven't already heard, that will make the decision easier. We worry about loans, the money to pay for those loans, the future and making a life for ourselves...let alone with someone else. That's a lot on the plate. For once, I want someone to come along and say to me..."your bag is overflowing? Well mine is empty...load some of that shtuff into mine!" And while winning this race we call life would be great....at this point I think the majority of us just want to be contenders. Nothing more...we just want to be able to keep up. No cramps, not shortness of breath, no chasing dogs...just a free and clear path to keep up with the rest of the pack. Does that exist?

Love...it's a tricky thing. Just when you think you have gotten it all figured out...and you're set for life...BAM out of no where curveball, it's got you down and you aren't sure where to go. You love someone, but love someone else too and cannot, for the life of you, figure out why you are feeling this way because you aren't a bad person. Is this really possible. Can you honestly love two people at once? Can you be married to someone you only like, as long as it works for the both of you? Do people honestly believe that??? I'm not sure. I know that I need to be passionate about something. I need to have that deep down burning passion in my marriage. Passion and thrill...not the thrill like from a one night stand, because as I get older they begin to look cheap and gross. But that thrill of doing something you know you shouldn't be doing....thats enough to make a person thrive! Right? Or am I alone on this one. I don't really know. Getting drunk and acting like an idiot is up there with the one night stands....as we get older it starts to get a little pathetic to do every weekend. However, those every-so-often occasions with your best girl friends are acceptable. ;)

Life is funny, isn't it. We are so sure we know exactly what we want. A 4 bedroom cape cod, with 3.5 children, a wonderful man, a dog named rover and a cat named Tiger. HAHAHA what a joke. Life isn't this cookie cutter and our plans are never accurate!!! Life can change in the blink of an eye....are you ready for what's around the next corner?