Haha...this is for old times sake. I haven't blogged here in forever, but I thought now was a better time than any.
I have found that my life's path has taken a funny little curve. It's not necessarily the wrong direction but just a path off the beaten trail that may end up going around the pond instead of over the bridge. I know I'll eventually arrive at my final destination, I'm just not sure what shape I'll be in upon arrival. My life is nothing like I thought it would be, and I think I'm starting to realize I need a fresh beginning. What happens when all you've ever known comes to an end and you are faced with this life altering decision....do I stay or do I go? Who ever made being a grown up sound like so much fun, was way wrong.....WAY WAY wrong. I'm scared shitless of what my future holds....and as much as I don't want to get ahead of myself in certain aspects, I'm not even sure the picture is the same as it was even one short year ago. I had this perfect painting mapped out in my head of what life would look like from here on out, and it's like the art teacher came by and said "why don't we trying adding this here and doing that there" and voila.....it's COMPLETELY changed. Not bad...just different....way different. Where has that freedom of doing what we want and being people we actually enjoy gone? If this is what being a college graduate/adult is all about, I understand why Van Wilder stayed for as long as he did. I'm pretty sure I'd like to stay too.
As cliche sounding as I hate to be...and use other people's thoughts for my own, I find that who ever wrote this little blurb on the "quarter life crisis" is probably the smartest, most enlightened person in the world. I have never agreed more with the thought that I can be insecure at one moment and then completely secure in the next. I have never been so indecisive and had just a hard time making decisions for MYSELF...ever... I do laugh and cry with the greatest intensity of my life. There are days when I can be completely soaring and ecstatic about something...the very next day I can be on the verge of tears and one simple truth can crumble my spirit. Today in fact was one of those days. Someone states a simple truth, something you KNOW full well you've been doing, and you act as though you've been kicked in the stomach. Maybe it's because you wish that people didn't see you for what you really were....maybe just maybe these false pretenses are something you can cling to. If you're like me, you feel alone and scared and confused. Change quickly becomes the enemy and you try with everything you have to cling to the past. You hang on for dear life but quickly realize that the past is drifting further and further away...and there isn't a darn thing you can do but stay where you are or choose to move forward. Either decision you make, you have to allocate the resources to your advantage and make it work.
For many people my age, the questions never seem to cease. Did I choose the right major, once I graduate will I find a job, did I marry too young, do i want children, what am I looking for in a spouse, am I high maintenance...the list goes on and on I'm sure. We all go through the same emotions and questions over and over, hoping for a different answer. We talk with our friends about the same topics because we hope they will tell us something we haven't already heard, that will make the decision easier. We worry about loans, the money to pay for those loans, the future and making a life for ourselves...let alone with someone else. That's a lot on the plate. For once, I want someone to come along and say to me..."your bag is overflowing? Well mine is empty...load some of that shtuff into mine!" And while winning this race we call life would be great....at this point I think the majority of us just want to be contenders. Nothing more...we just want to be able to keep up. No cramps, not shortness of breath, no chasing dogs...just a free and clear path to keep up with the rest of the pack. Does that exist?
Love...it's a tricky thing. Just when you think you have gotten it all figured out...and you're set for life...BAM out of no where curveball, it's got you down and you aren't sure where to go. You love someone, but love someone else too and cannot, for the life of you, figure out why you are feeling this way because you aren't a bad person. Is this really possible. Can you honestly love two people at once? Can you be married to someone you only like, as long as it works for the both of you? Do people honestly believe that??? I'm not sure. I know that I need to be passionate about something. I need to have that deep down burning passion in my marriage. Passion and thrill...not the thrill like from a one night stand, because as I get older they begin to look cheap and gross. But that thrill of doing something you know you shouldn't be doing....thats enough to make a person thrive! Right? Or am I alone on this one. I don't really know. Getting drunk and acting like an idiot is up there with the one night stands....as we get older it starts to get a little pathetic to do every weekend. However, those every-so-often occasions with your best girl friends are acceptable. ;)
Life is funny, isn't it. We are so sure we know exactly what we want. A 4 bedroom cape cod, with 3.5 children, a wonderful man, a dog named rover and a cat named Tiger. HAHAHA what a joke. Life isn't this cookie cutter and our plans are never accurate!!! Life can change in the blink of an eye....are you ready for what's around the next corner?
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