wanderer

For the last few days I have been shacking up in Ohio with my sister-in-law and her dad. I always enjoy my time spent at this place, for it's not the first time I've made myself a house guest. Although I enjoy myself and have a good time, I can't help but look forward to whats going to happen next. I forget to live in the moment and enjoy the circumstances at hand, instead I push them to happen faster than they normally would and then feel like I'm missing out on life. It's my own fault, but as much as I try, I can't seem to change.

I'm beginning to realize that I'm a restless soul. I don't like being in one place for too long because then I feel comfortable and get lazy. I don't like the idea of being "comfortable" in a relationship because it leads to boredom and then your attention gets drawn away by other things. It's not fair to let another person believe that you can give them all of your attention, thoughts, hopes, dreams...when in reality you're not sure you can ever give them up to one individual person. I want to be free to roam and come and go as I please without having to really answer to anybody in particular. I like the idea of being my own person and not having to worry about anyone but myself. Most of the time, I have a hard enough trying to do that....worrying about myself.

I want to travel. I want to see things and go places and if I'm with someone, they need to want to do the same things. One day, I will see the world, and I will enjoy every bit of it, with or without someone. I need to be happy again and I need to stop filling my life with empty things, things that temporarily fill the void, until something else new and exciting comes around. I'm excited for what my next few months hold in store for me. New beginnings and a fresh start at the life I thought was ready to begin 2 years ago. Bring on what may happen and I'm ready to role with the punches.

greener grass.

how come the grass is always greener on the other side?

when you're living exactly where you've wanted to be for the last ten years... suddenly home sounds amazing and you forget everything you hated.

when you are single you want to be in a relationship... and as soon as the relationship comes you covet the freedom of being single.

when you hair is long you are dying to cut if off... and as soon as you do the growing out process begins again.

And for some reason everyones lives seem to be going perfect at the exact time when nothing could be worse in yours....

But I've learned that instead of questioning and always looking to whats next.... go with the flow and learn to appreciate what you have. There's a reason for everything.... and a time for everything... a season to every moment of your life.
So stop and learn to love what you have... cause you won't have it forever.
You aren't going to miss out on anything.

Finding the Lines

I need time to see all my options
I need time to tear down my walls
All this doubt is leaving me reckless
And for once I don't have control
If I walk away it's forever
If I stick around it's my fault
Finding the lines is confusing at time
And I'm wondering why I'm still alone.

Maybe this time in the winter
Is getting me ready for Spring
At no time of day is 2 hours away
A distance that shatters my dreams

Drastic Changes...

So life is never certain, i think that is the one thing I have learned in the past few years. Things that we thought would always be...change and are no more. People you thought you would always have leave and can never be replaced. This is the time every year when I get very nostalgic and look back on the way life used to be. Back when I was naive and thought nothing would ever be difficult. I had on these rose colored glasses and everything seemed to be the way I wanted. I always imagined that all my hopes and dreams would come to be without a second thought, my life would be simple, I would have a great marriage and live happily ever after. What a story I was telling myself. Recently, those rose colored glasses have faded to a nasty shade of grey. As hard as I've tried, none of those things have come to pass. My hopes and dreams get shattered with every new step I take and my marriage is in shambles, and not once, EVER, has my life been simple. In fact, it has almost always consistently been a let down or a failure, in some way shape or form.

I'm changing that. Andrew is moving into Saginaw, and I, well I am moving in another direction. I'm moving South. For a little while, I've decided that I'm going to move to Arkansas to live with my brother and sister-in-law and try and figure some things out. I need to sort through some things, mainly thoughts, emotions, feelings, and figure out where my life is going and who is going to remain a part of it. Arkansas may seem a little extreme for "sorting things out" when in reality, I could do that just about any other place around here, but there are people and situations that I need to remove myself from and be able to think clearly without having any temptations in my way to sway my decision one way or another. I know that if I were to stay in Michigan, people and certain advantages could quite possibly tempt me to do things that would make this relationship otherwise irreconcilable. Some things are just to easily taken advantage of, and I know my will power isn't always the strongest.

I'm not sure how long I'll be there, but I do know that it will be long enough for me to find a job and start some roots. Although they may not be too deep, there will be some sort of rooting taking place. This isn't going to be an easy fix, and I want to know that I'm making the best decision possible for the parties involved. So....wish me luck on this new endeavor and that I may find some peace of mind while making life better.