Who Am I?

I'm not even sure who I am any longer. I look at myself and wonder when I became this woman. When did i start telling myself that this feeling of drowning was something to keep to myself. i think the truth is that if i keep it to myself then i dont have to let anyone help me. and when i eventually make it through this battle of motherhood, and have raised a completely wonderful, competent son...i can tell people i did it on my own.

this has been a constant struggle and battle for me. this feeling that i should be super woman. that i should be able to take care of everything and make everything all right. i jump the moment i learn that one of my friends is having a bad day or doesnt feel well. I want so badly to help everyone work though everything. but when someone asks me if i need anything, i am the last to say anything. i want to do it myself. i hate asking for help. i hate being a burden.

when did i become this person so afraid to ask for help? this person that is afraid to break down?when did i become this person that wants to come off like she has it together?

I feel like all the pressure in my life has formed me into someone else. I have never responded well to pressure and every aspect of my life for the last 10 months has been pressured. pressure to have an abortion, pressure to put my kid up for adotpion, pressure to move home, pressure to make sure i do EVERYTHING right in my present situation, pressure to be neat and tidy, pressure to leave this house and move somwhere else...indiana, michigan, pressure to put marcus past me, pressure to sue for child support, and the list goes on. The only thing pressure has done to me, is to turn me into a clam. Eventually my timer will go off and everything inside will have turned to mush.