Feelings on Baby Daddy.

It never fails. He’s in and out of my life, making me promises .. promises I hardly believe, yet I always have hope. Somehow my mind seems to always erase the bad and try to dig for the good. Somehow I continue to love him in a morbidly masochistic kind of way. I’m not in love with him, but I love him .. he gave me the best gift in the world, how could I not?

I've quietly hoped if I didn’t egg him on he would calm down and realize that I’m a great girl, a keeper, worth having. I hoped we could try to make our obviously doomed “relationship” work. I felt like I had no other choice because I was so scared and couldn’t imagine being a single mother. I didn’t want to be, I didn’t wish that on myself or my child.

Secretly in my mind I’m jealous of his wife. Past the initial weeks of our relationship he never did value me or love me like he lead me to believe he would, but I wish he did.

I wish the world were perfect and that he would come around and shape up dramatically. I wish he would want me again, like he obsessively wanted me when he first met me.

I dream of us being a family. I think of us making more perfect babies .. because dammit if we don’t make great babies together.

I dream of Maddox excited to see him, giving him big hugs and saying “I love you, Daddy!” and I dream of him being touched and saying “I love you too, son” and actually meaning it. I dream of them having this great, loving father/son relationship. I dream of him being so proud of his son and wanting to be there for him every step of the way.

It’s so hard to gather up the strength .. the strength to heal, the strength to move on, the strength to forget. I feel so vulnerable and stupid. I don’t know how to handle being in this position. I just wanna break down.

I've decided that the last thing I need is to allow myself to feel like this way any longer. To be pissed, to be hurt, to be resentful, to be despondent. It seems to be a full circle that never ends because I allow things to be that way. Though I keep telling myself that I want a new life, a fresh start I have yet to walk the walk. I’ve realized that now it’s time.