I've been kind of slacking in the updating area. But hey, thats what happens when you are busy, and when you aren't busy you don't want to do anything but sleep! Oh well, only one more week of classes. The scary part is that this last week of the semester is what is going to determine the entire next year of my life. Because if I don't do well on my finals, I'm going to be on probation for a third time, and therefore, probably recessed from MSU for one academic year! Which will suck because if I take classes somewhere else they won't transfer back here. God I hope that my grades will pull me through! I need to do well. I spent 13 hours yesterday studying for my COM 100 final this morning. I think all went well, we'll see though when I get the results back! Keep your fingers crossed for me!! In the same breath, I am ready for this all to be over. I want to go home and work and have fun, not have to worry about this kind of stuff. We'll see, maybe these classes im taking over the summer will help boost my GPA as well! We'll see! On a much deeper note, sometimes I wonder who I am turning out to be. Like I mean in high school, I never really cared about getting good grades and studying, but I always managed to do well. Now that I am in college, I have lost all ambition. I used to have all these amazing dreams, that I would accomplish, and I think now I am only successful in setting myself back. Everyday I create one more GIANT road block for myself. The reality of me actually ever becoming a doctor is slowly fading with every passing minute. I need to start buckling down and taking this shit seriously. There is nothing more that I want to do with my life than to become a doctor. That is all. I don't care if I ever even get married, or really have kids. But the one thing I do want is to be a very very successful doctor! My life is so screwed up. I have no priorities, well I do and that is basically to sleep, and never wake up. Thats it. Most of the time, the things that I think I really want fade too. I spend so much time analyzing what I want and how to get it, and worrying about being rejected that I lose interest and move on to something new, losing out on many many WONDERFUL things. I am beginning to realize that I have some seriously major character flaws. Im beginning to think that the only thing I know about my life is that I honestly truly do not know what I want right now. And I'm beginning to hurt people that care about me, but the thing of it is that I don't think its fair to subject someone to my indecisiveness even if I do care about them. I need to have some sort of direction in my life before I can be there fully for someone else. Hell even my very best friendships are suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than make a commitment to anything! Who the hell knows. I wonder if everyone goes through this kind of thing sometime in their life? I think deep down it would make me feel a little bit better if I knew that was the case. But I don't think it is! I never intended for anything to be the way it is now...and if I could go back and change things..believe me there would be MANY MANY things that I would change! But unfortunately, that isn't a luxury life is provided with, you can't change whats in the past. I'm trying to make myself happy, I can't make anyone else happy until I do that for myself! Who knows, maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be different, doubtful but it's worth a thought! I'm done..until next time...Over and out!